Send It Back

by Mark R. Vogel

The other day I went to lunch early at this nearby tavern. Seated at the bar, more interested in the latest issue of "Fine Cooking" than the menu, I simply ordered a cheeseburger medium-rare and fries.

When my meal arrived the burger was overcooked and the fries were undercooked. The burger was not even medium. It was completely well done and dry with no pink it sight. The fries were completely soft on the outside and semi-raw on the inside.

And to make matters worse, I was the only patron in the place. They couldn't even use the lunchtime rush as an excuse.

Such staggering culinary blunders boggle my mind. I'm always left wondering whether it's due to overwhelming incompetence or indifference. The cook, (I won't even use the term chef), was either a mentally challenged miscreant or simply doesn't give a damn.

Or maybe it's a little of both. I mean anybody, even a non-cook, could have merely looked at my fries and seen they were way underdone.

Incorrectly cooked meat has been the bane of my existence. I truly cannot count the times my medium-rare steak or burger ends up overcooked. I can leave a little leeway for medium but well done is out of the question.

Like the day I ordered the $30 rack of lamb medium rare and received it well done. That's inexcusable and I of course sent it back.

Hey, I work in a restaurant too and I certainly make my share of mistakes. But serving a mistake is a compound error. Before the food goes out you should check it to determine quality. A simple poke will quickly differentiate a medium-rare from a well-done piece of meat.

One day I was having dinner at one of those chain steakhouses. I requested a side of sautéed onions. Can you believe they didn't peel the onions? I kid you not. They sliced whole onions with the skin on and then sautéed them.

When I showed the manager he shrunk in embarrassment and then gave me my entire meal for free. I've been served ice-cold soup, brown lettuce, over-cooked shrimp, stale bread, mushy pasta, and one bowl of Chinese noodles with a cockroach of prehistoric proportions.